Sure, our old friend the sea cucumber might not look like much at first blush (see above photo for evidence of its underwhelming film presence), but it has been the evolutionary jumping off point for a number of aquatic-based vegetables and fruits that you might not know about.
Here are some of the sea cucumbers lesser-known relatives:
Tributary Turnips
River Radishes
Pond Peppers
Bay Beets
Great Lakes Grapes
Estuary Eggplants
Lagoon Legumes
Channel Carrots
Cove Cloves
Moat Oats
Puddle Peas
Ocean Onions
Sea Beans
Tide Pool Thyme
If you see any of these delicious underwater delicacies, dig in. Nearly all of them are safe for human consumption, and those that aren’t will kill you so quickly that you’ll never know what hit you. Happy harvesting!
Sure, our old friend the sea cucumber might not look like much at first blush (see above photo for evidence of its underwhelming film presence), but it has been the evolutionary jumping off point for a number of aquatic-based vegetables and fruits that you might not know about.
Here are some of the sea cucumbers lesser-known relatives:
Tributary Turnips
River Radishes
Pond Peppers
Bay Beets
Great Lakes Grapes
Estuary Eggplants
Lagoon Legumes
Channel Carrots
Cove Cloves
Moat Oats
Puddle Peas
Ocean Onions
Sea Beans
Tide Pool Thyme
If you see any of these delicious underwater delicacies, dig in. Nearly all of them are safe for human consumption, and those that aren’t will kill you so quickly that you’ll never know what hit you. Happy harvesting!
Your Monkey knew that if he lived back at home for long enough, a solution to his financial woes and career uncertainty would present itself. No, he will not be investing in gold bonds, corn futures, real estate or shipping companies.
Instead, he will be marketing a new set of “In Case of Emergency” stickers to your less traditional pet owner and collecting enthusiast.
Let’s face it, the current pet emergency sticker (shown above) is hopelessly and some might say laughably out of touch with today’s progressive pet owner.
Not every John Q. Pet Owner has your standard dog, cat or bird.
And thus these ho-hum stickers may may leave out some pets that are now finding their way into people’s homes and are just as worthy of being rescued.
The following are the categories your Monkey is planning to add to his new “standard” pet emergency sticker.
Your Monkey has a looong commute to and from work every day, plus a 45 minute a day gym habit, and two dogs that need lots and lots of walking. So to make a long story short, he needs a lot of audiobooks to keep him entertained and educated while he goes about his business.
Picking out the right audiobook is a bit of risky business. You try your best to find something that will be interesting, challenging and engaging, and that will be worth your time for the 8-20 or so hours that you are going to be wrapped up with the author and the narrator.
That being said, the following books are among the best that your humble monkey listened to this year.
Your Monkey would normally not be interested in a story about the hunt for a deadly tiger (really? tigers? in this day and age?), but Valliant does an amazing job of capturing the remoteness of far eastern Russia, the deadly power of the Siberian Tiger, the desperate economic conditions of the Russians who live there, and how all three elements — land, tiger and man — interact with each other. It is a mesmerizing story and a perfect choice for the winter. You won’t be able to crunch through the snow without wondering if there’s a tiger somewhere in the shadows waiting to pounce.
A meticulously detailed account of what is perhaps the country’s most famous school shooting to date, Cullen does an excellent job of separating fact from fiction, dispelling myths, and pointing out the errors in judgement made by police officers both before and after the murders took place. We also get an uncomfortably close look into the minds of the two Columbine killers via detailed excerpts from their journals. It is a dark, sad and frustrating read, but worth it in the long run. You’ll understand what motivated the killers (it may not be what you think) and have a new empathy for the victims and their families.
Seal does an amazing job of charting the life and lies of most famous con-man/chameleon to be exposed in recent years. Rockefeller made his name by posing as a descendent of the famously rich Rockefeller family, but was actually a German immigrant who lied his way to the top of high society several times over. Rockefeller, who gained national attention by kidnapping his daughter “Snooks” during a supervised visit in Boston, presents a maddening case of a man whose seemingly sole purpose on earth is to pretend to be someone he is not. What makes Seal’s book so unusual is that he merely presents the facts of Rockefeller’s case to us. He does not try to psychoanalyze Rockerfeller, or explain away his actions.
It is just before the turn of the 20th century in New York City, and the headless torso of a man neatly wrapped in oil cloth is pulled out of the East River one sultry summer day by a group of swimming boys. The discovery leads to a riveting murder investigation, a sensational court trial, and a no holds barred media circus. Collins does an excellent job of presenting the facts and testimony of the case while concurrently charting the competition between New York’s two leading tabloid newspapers to provide the most complete coverage of the case. For anyone who thinks that the media is ruthless and sensationalistic now…you have another thing coming.
After America Online inadvertently leaked a Titanic-sized boatload of information about how people search for information on the web (and by information we mean pornography), a group of scientists used the data to draw some interesting conclusions about what turns men and women on. The result is a fascinating look into gender roles, human desire, and how evolution plays a role in who we look for in a mate. You will not want to miss.
From time to time, your Monkey is seized with the sudden impulse to post something on Facebook that may not be a wise choice for his personal and professional life. Sometimes these posts are uncomfortably personal, sometimes they contain opinions that the so-called “moral majority” might not agree with, and sometimes they are downright unseemly.
Therefore, in order to relieve his mind of the urge to share this information, your Monkey posts them here in the safety and anonymity of this widely unread blog.
The Grumpiest Monkey….
Would gladly accept a crippling meth habit if it could get this work day to go by faster
Is thinking about getting on the organ donor transplant list now (pre-need), so he’ll have a jump on the competition if any part of his body starts to go
Is likely to scream “don’t you eyeball fuck me” at the next person who glances too long at him in the company garage
Is going to rock down to Electric Avenue, and if all goes well, then take it higher
Built this city on rock and roll, along with steel, concrete, copper piping, asphalt and a top-notch urban planning commission
Doesn’t want to wait for our lives to be over
Just bought new screenwriting software but sadly finds his mind bereft of good ideas
Takes it personally when you change lanes without using your blinker
With all apologize to laughter, is pretty sure that medicine is the best medicine
Is wondering if anyone knows how long it takes for a balloon filled with heroin to pass through your system
Is thinking it might have been smarter to tie a tighter balloon knot
Your humble Monkey spends a lot of time at work listening to music.
Since his addled brain needs constant stimulation, he is always seeking out new bands to listen to.
He currently subscribes to two different Song of the Day podcasts (Thank you very much KEXP and 89.3 the Current), and the following videos represent some of the best free songs that he has heard this year.
If not for these radio stations and artists giving away something for nothing, your Monkey may never have discovered these songs.
As an added bonus, you probably won’t find many of these on most critics’ top 10 lists, so perhaps you will find something here that you might have otherwise missed.
Editor’s note: Please, dear friends, do not think that all the free songs that come your Monkey’s way are as good as these gems. Your Monkey has had to kiss a LOT of frogs to find these princes and princesses.
1. Austra “The Beat and the Pulse”
This Toronto-basedgroup makes some great atmospheric music that is part dance, part industrial gothic and part electropop.
This video is a little on the explicit side, so if you are offended by blurred nudity and webbed appendages you may want to proceed with caution. This is the “clean” version, too. For purists, the explicit version can be found with a pretty quick web search. That version apparently does not lend itself to embedding on blogs written by Monkeys.
Before you think your Monkey is just a typical male having a knee jerk reaction to a little female skin, you should know he fell in love with the audio version of this song long before he ever saw the video.
2. Fistful of Mercy “Fistful of Mercy”
This indie pop supergroup of sorts features Dhani Harrison (son of George), Ben Harper and Joseph Arthur. This song features great chord progressions and wonderful harmonies, and this video does an awesome job of bringing together all the parts to make a whole.
3. Polica “Wandering Star”
This song is immediately striking, and this live radio performance is utterly unforgettable. Do not hate the voice altering vocoder, my friends, it can be put to good use. And for god sakes, let’s talk about the double drums for a second. They give you the chills. At least they should give you the chills. If they don’t, you may be a Blade Runner-esque replicant unaware of your own wretched artificial existance.
4. John Grant “Marz”
This song proves that lyrics don’t mean all that much when there is emotion and melody behind them. A melancholy piano backdrop accompanies a series of apparently nonsensical words and the effect is sad and bittersweet. Here is a cool enhanced performance from the Later with Jools Holland show.
5. PJ Harvey “The Last Living Rose”
Ok, so PJ Harvey might be a little more of a household name than some of the others on this list, and her album “Let England Shake” is certainly well represented on top 10 lists this year. But this song is just too damn good to leave off the list, and your Monkey may never have fallen in love with it if he hadn’t gotten it as a free download.
From time to time your humble monkey has considered turning his tried and true adventures into an autobiography or series of memoirs that would act as an inspiration to the youth of America.
His humble rise from jungle ape to chimpanzee copywriter is truly the kind of Horatio Alger story that book publishers are clamoring for these days.
Plus, his struggles with depression and adult onset awkward body syndrome will surely generate some good buzz on the talk show circuit. Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil are you listening?
Of course, your Monkey cannot begin to put pen to paper until he has settled on a suitable title for his adventures.
The following are a few of the book titles that are now under consideration.
Mail Order Monkey
Monkey by Mail
From Chimpanzee to Chippendale Dancer: How One Monkey Defied the Odds and Subverted Traditional Male Sterotypes
I’m Your Private Primate
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bananas
Other possible titles (more geared toward the self-help market)
Life is a Known Depressant
Things Couldn’t Get Any More Awkwarder
Who Shit in My Sandwich?
Each Day is Better Than the Next
Yet more titles (these one geared towards the narrow market of my neighborhood)
Things That I’ve Stolen From Your Yard
I’m Sorry Bob, But it’s Time the World Knows You’re Homosexual
Cul-de-Sac Confessions– How One Suburban Monkey Seduced An Entire Neighborhood with Wit, Charm and Ether Rags
Sure, we all know that human beings used animals to represent certain emotions, political beliefs, economic attitudes and social themes. Doves are a symbol for peace, Democrats are donkeys and Republicans are elephants.
And who could forget that Bluebird of Happiness?
But speaking as he sometimes does for the rest of the animal kingdom, your Monkey would be remiss if he did not share his list of lesser recognized (but no less important) cousins of the aforementioned bluebird.
The Bear of Bad News
The Aardvark of Anti-Social Behavior
The Beaver of Bottomless Self Pity
The Cow of Catastrophic Thinking
The Egret of Regrets
The Rabbit of Repetitive Motion Disorders
The Ferret of Fetishism
The Llama of Lustful Intentions
The Goat of Gender Confusion
The Treefrog of Terminal Diseases
The Duck of Depression
Be on the lookout for these creatures! They are real and chances are one or more of them are lurking in your closet, bathroom or kitchen pantry right now.
The following incidents took place in and around Monkey Headquarters on Saturday, Nov. 26.
Wake up uncomfortable and stiff in sleeping bag on the floor. Wonder again why floor seems better option at night than bed
Suffer immediate harassment from dogs looking for food/walks/adventures outside
Turn on television hoping to find English Premier League game soccer game on ESPN, only to be bitterly disappointed to find that it’s Trout Fishing Hour instead
Watch an hour’s worth of trout fishing
Finally give in to relentless demands of dictatorial dogs and take them to the dog park and fitness trail
Return home only to head right back out again to get dog weighed at vet’s office. Have to negotiate through foot and reindeer traffic at town’s annual Santa Claus parade
Rake outside for an hour while listening to concluding chapters of “Confederacy of Dunces” audiobook, thus concluding a deep immersion in the book’s unique language, worldview and characters
Develop a sudden and intense interest in Dunces’ author John Kennedy Toole, who committed suicide decades before book’s actual release and success
Feel a strange kinship with the alienated and paranoid Toole, who suffered literary rejections personally and underwent a rapid physical and mental decline prior to taking his life
Spend a few scattered hours of trying and failing to complete a concrete task (buying a new car, finding a new job, charting a new song on guitar) before finally giving up
Spend the rest of the evening deeply and thoughtfully contemplating inability to complete concrete tasks
Decide once again to pass on the bed and fall asleep in sleeping bag on the floor
From time to time, your Monkey feels compelled to make Facebook status updates that could prove to be embarrassing, incriminating and/or detrimental to his personal life. Rather than post them in real life and expose himself to the scorn, ridicule and legal actions of others, he uses this anonymous forum to get them off his chest.
The following are Facebook status updates I’d like to make
The Grumpiest Monkey…
Has more than one Celine Dion song on his iPod
Always feels like somebody’s watching me (and I have no privacy)
Would like to try his hand at figure skating
Has few financially valid career prospects
Has even fewer romantic prospects
Would like to score a little peyote
Is contemplating starting a religious death cult, paramilitary group or a gardening club
After a long and painful legal battle with Kris Kross, is finally willing to concede that “inside out” is in fact wiggedy, wiggedy, wiggedy wack
Enjoys a smug and unwarranted sense of moral superiority
Finds jellyfish to have a certain understated erotic allure
Is hoping to buy Galapagos tortoise eggs on the black market
Wishes every day was ‘Dress like a pirate day”
Is about to be possessed by the sounds of MC Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock
