The Grumpiest Monkey 150th Post Anniversary Interview Spectacular Extravaganza

In which your Monkey once again shamelessly uses the concept of the self-interview, so effectively used by Dave Eggers in his book, “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius,” so ineffectively used here.

Q. So, Monkey. You are 150 blog posts into this experiment. And it’s almost a year since you started.

A. Why, yes. That’s right. Thank you so much for noticing. Of course, my actual 1-year anniversary is later this month, so you can expect me to dig up this dead horse of the fake self-interview for that event as well.

Q. Surely by this point in your illustrious blogging career you don’t have to resort to self-interviews anymore..

A. One would think that journalists would be beating down the door to find out what makes this clockwork Monkey tick. Sure, there are lots of blogs and a boatload of bloggers out there. But how many are written by typewriting Monkeys? Just this blog and the Huffington Post, I think.

Q. OK, Monkey. Enough about you already. Let’s talk pop culture. What is your view on the Jersey Shore?

A. I think the people on the show are assholes, and the people who watch it are assholes. But the biggest assholes of all might be the faux hipsters who watch it and smugly feel superior for doing so. Everyone just go screw with that show and white tank tees and fake tans and Jersey Shore parties and the whole gay phenomenon.

Q. What about American Idol?

A. I’m so tired of seeing the same tired act played out over and over again. How many voice-breaking, note-mangling covers of Stevie Wonder songs can one nation take before anarchy breaks out? Not too many more, I would think.

Q. What else is bugging you lately?

A. I’m tied of people who seem to think that their status updates on Facebook are a suitable place to re-report the news. I don’t need you to tell me that Patriots wide reciever Wes Welker was injured or that the health care bill is in jeopardy. I’ll go to a news website for that. Stop glomming onto current events that have nothing to do with you in a sad attempt to make it seem like you lead a full life.

At least this Monkey is wiling to admit he lives an empty life.

Also, anyone who attempts to use the earthquake in Haiti to scam money or promote themselves should themselves experience an immediate and unpleasant demise.

Q. Well, this interview has certainly taken a turn for the grumpy. Maybe we should end things with a song to lighten the mood.

A. What a capital idea. Here is a snappy little song from a band called “The Love Language.”

OK Amazon, you win this round with your $5 albums

Since he works in direct marketing, your Monkey likes to flatter himself and believe that he is smarter than the average bear (or monkey, for that matter) when it comes to identifying and resisting the various direct marketing tricks that companies use to drive sales and boost their profits.

No, your Monkey is not impressed when he is watching a commercial that shows the price being slashed not once, not twice, but thrice. (The truth is that the final price will always represent the profit the company is hoping to make on the product, so you’re never really getting a deal. They’re just inflating the price to make it seem like a discount).

That being said, Amazon.com has won the latest round by wooing your Monkey with a campaign promising $5 Mp3 album downloads.

The price is right, the selection is good, and they managed to get the message into enough places online that your Monkey couldn’t help but notice.

And then he couldn’t help but buy.

For those of you keeping score at home, it’s:

Amazon 1

Monkey 0

Oh well. Better to spend $5 on a Bat for Lashes album (her 2007 debut “Fur and Gold”), then $15 on a Save a Blade automatic blade sharpener that doesn’t work at all (and never has).

Here is a little Bat for Lashes.

Didn’t Post, Didn’t Die

OK, so perhaps your Monkey has already broken his relaunch promise of posting every day.

Perhaps he didn’t have anything good to post about yesterday and decided to take the day off.

Perhaps when he promised to post once a day every day, he was talking only about the M-F workweek, and not the weekends.

Perhaps he was too busy yesterday having sexy parties and romantic intrigues and simply couldn’t find time for a post.

After all, bloggers need lives, too. Right?

The truth is that your Monkey didn’t post. And he didn’t die.

It is not the end of the world.

It doesn’t matter who promised to do what and didn’t come through or who broke what New Year’s resolution.

We’re not here to name names and point fingers, are we?

This isn’t the 1950s, and your Monkey is no communist. (This isn’t Communist Russia, is it Danny?)

Four good emusic finds

Your Monkey has been an emusic member for about six months now, and he’s had fun hunting through the stacks and stacks of music in search of diamonds in the rough.

For those of you who don’t know, emusic is an music subscription service where you get a set number of downloads per month depending on what plan you have. This monkey is on the 37 per month plan.

You pay less per song than you do on itunes, but the catch is that most of the popular music you’d want to download from itunes won’t be there.

In other words, you won’t find any Lady Gaga, Kayne West, Katy Perry or Jonas Brothers on the emusic site.

But you can find some Jimi Hendrix on there, as well as some Van Morrison, some Bob Dylan and some Simon and Garfunkle.

Oh yeah, and lots and lots of indie music, from the relatively well known (the National & My Morning Jacket) to bands you’ve never heard of (and probably should never hear of).

But if you are persistent in your searching, and willing to gamble with your downloads, you can often find good songs/artists in unexpected places.

So here goes my list so far.

1. Eilen Jewell: It seems somewhat odd that this singer-songwriter is currently based out of Boston, since her music has a country swing that is more suited to Nashville or Texas. What is best about Jewel is that she manages to blend country influences with a slightly sultry, film-noirish vibe. Check out “Sweet Rose” and “Codeine Arms.” Find her website here.

2. Dead Heart Bloom: Don’t know much about this band but decided to take a flyer on them when they came up  as an emusic suggestion and really liked what they sound like. Apparently it is a one-man project by Boris Slasky, a former member of a band called Phaser. Check out “Who Will You Love” and “Chelsea Song #2.” Also, this band is currently giving away loads of music for free on its website, which you can find here.

3. The Assemble Head in Starburst Sound: As the name suggests, this is a groovily psychedelic band that manages to be both spaced-out and drenched in sun. It’s as if someone gave the Silver Surfer a guitar and an effects pedal, and sat him in front of a classic rock radio station for 20 years. Check out the smooth waves of guitar on “A Bourbon for Rudy.” Find the band’s website here.

4. Scanners: This English band brings some much needed visceral intensity to your Monkey’s music library. They are a little bit rock, a little bit electro-pop, and a little bit industrial. Check out “Violence is Golden.” The band’s myspace site is here.

Here’s Eilen Jewell doing a cover song:

Suffering from Social Media Overload

Maybe it’s this Monkey’s fault for subscribing to so many marketing and copywriting blogs, but it’s enough already with all this “let’s make money with social media business.”

Maybe you aren’t meant to be the world’s most successful internet enterpreneur. Maybe you don’t have something of value to offer people. Maybe people don’t want to pay for your opinions.

Maybe it’s time to get off the computer, go out the front door, and interact with the world in the old fashioned way.

You don’t have to be the next internet sensation. You don’t have to have people commenting on your posts and retweeting your thoughts and friending you on facebook ad nauseum.

Just a thought.

All this, of course, coming from someone who just vowed to blog every day from now on. But just because I’m trying it doesn’t mean i expect to get anything out of it

The Adam Carolla Podcast Gets Legit

It is year #2 for the Adam Carolla podcast, and the word from the Aceman is that the show is going forward full steam for another year. That’s good news for all us working Monkeys who need something interesting to listen to during the day.

The Carolla podcast is also a good business model for the early part of the 21st century. The long and short of the story is this: Carolla gets laid off from his LA radio gig and decides to use his newfound spare time to start a daily podcast. The podcast catches fire, becomes a consistant top pick on the itunes site, and it has broadened his audience and brought him a whole new level of visibility.

Carolla can now start to make money to support the show by selling some limited advertising spots, making some content available for a premium, and taking the podcast on the road for paid events.

This Monkey does not mind listening to a few commercials to get a huge amount of content (at least an hour per day M-F) for free, and he does not mind spreading the word about the show, either. It is worth it.  

Plus, the Carolla network is going to start expanding with other shows that share the same sensibility. Frequent Carolla collaborator Kevin Hench and former NBA player John Salley are going to be hosting their own sports show. Andy Dick was a recent guest and is planning to bring his show to the network.

All in all, it’s encouraging to see that there’s room for someone to build a new entertainment platform from scratch and without charging people up front. Build the audience first, and the funding will come.

Here is a link to the show that explains in better detail what your Monkey tried to summarize above.

Here is an intro to today’s podcast.

P.S. This Money might have a crush on Teresa the News Girl.

Five Memorable Songs of 2009

OK, so just about everyone with a blog or a podcast or a coffee can telephone to yell into has weighed in on their picks for album of the year.

For your standard latte-sipping, NPR totebag-carrying music geek (like me), the consensus picks usually include Animal Collective, the Avett Brothers, Neko Case, and the Decemberists. Nothing wrong with any of those bands, but you can find better writeups elsewhere.

So this Monkey won’t bore you with another list of the same names. Here instead are five songs that made a memorable impact this year that you might not see on other top 10 lists.

(Also, maybe some of these songs technically came out in 2008, but maybe your Monkey didn’t hear them until 2009, and maybe he doesn’t want to hear any corrections, so let’s not nitpick, OK?)

1. Great Expectations by the Gaslight Anthem: Melodic, sentimental and anthemic pop punk. Good band.
2. Oh My God by Ida Maria: More high energy stuff in the pop punk vein. You won’t find a more refreshing blast of music this year.
3. How You Like Me Now by The Heavy. This English band blends elements of Curtis Mayfield, James Brown, and Screaming Jay Hawkins into an awesome mashup of funk, rock and soul. This song proves that last year’s breakout single Colleen was no fluke.
4. The Great Defector by Bell X1: An Irish band writes an unapologetically catchy tune that sounds a lot like the Talking Heads, but that’s OK. U will like.
5. Strange Overtones by David Byrne and Brian Eno. Speaking of the Talking Heads, their former lead singer wows with this super danceable tune. Finally, middle aged white guys have some soul!

Here is the James Brown-ified “The Heavy” at their best.

How Coverville Delivered One Monkey from the Workweek Blues

So here we are on Monday.

The two weeks of vacation that coincide with Christmas and New Year’s are over. School is back in session, traffic is back on the road, and your Monkey is back to being grumpy.

After three days of snow and quiet, it was tough to return to the direct marketing grindhouse and find the energy to deal with ALL THAT HAS TO BE DONE.

There is copy to write and pages to proof and concepts to develop and it all has to be done NOW NOW NOW.

There is no time to think or gather yourself, my friend. We must push ever onward toward deadlines and deliverables and measurable achievement.

The one saving grace in an otherwise grumpy day was catching up on a Coverville podcast from last month.

For those of you who don’t know, Brian Ibbott’s Coverville is a thrice weekly podcast that is all about cover songs.

Each year Ibbott hosts a Coverville countdown where he asks his listeners to vote on the best cover songs of the year.

Having done the countdown for a couple of years now, Ibbott has amassed enough of the top vote-getters to put together a Coverville Hall of Fame.

These inductees will no longer be eligible for the annual countdown so that other songs can have a chance to shine.

But if you haven’t heard Coverville before, this hall of fame list is a great place to start.

Here is a link to the show.

And the song below is a live version one of this Monkey’s favorite Coverville discoveries.

(This version is OK, but you should really hear the recorded version. The Coverville show is a great place to get it).

The Grumpiest Monkey Relaunch: Post or Die (or at least feel very ashamed)

Ok, so postings have been quite lean here at Monkey Headquarters for the past few months. One could argue that your Monkey has not had a new post since the day after Thanksgiving. One would be right.

But starting tomorrow, January 5, your Monkey will be posting once per day no matter what. Tune in here for podcast reviews, film reviews, music reviews, and genuinely grumpy opinions on things you didn’t know you cared about.

No more waiting around for the perfect post to write itself.

No more perfectionism.

No more hours and hours of inconsolable weeping if a post gets no readers.

No more self-editing, self-hatred, self-recrimination, or self-erotic asphyxiation.

One post per day. No matter what.

Here goes nothing.

Lessons I Learned From Star Trek

Ok, this isn’t going to be one of those “Star Trek taught me to be a better person by believing in the principles of the Federation” type of posts.

Your Monkey does not know enough about Star Trek the series or the original movies to say whether or not he agrees with any Trekkie philosophy.

This post is about what your Monkey learned from watching “Star Trek” the movie, the 2009 summer blockbuster directed by JJ Abrams (of Lost and Felicity fame).

Being a non-Trek fan who knows nothing of the Trek canon, Your Monkey may be in a better position to judge the film as a pure story, rather than worrying about how it reimagines Star Trek as a series.

OK, enough jibber jabber. On to the lessons.

1. Don’t be afraid to kill someone off: Without revealing anything, there is an important and dramatically surprising death in this movie that sets an emotional tone for the film and raises the dramatic stakes. Because of this death, it becomes more important for us as a viewer that the crew of the Enterprise succeed in their mission. We have set the bar high for noble and heroic sacrifice.

2. Small stakes can equal high drama: Perhaps the most thrilling and adrenaline-charged sequence in the film involves an attempt by Enterprise crew members to sabotage a drill that is boring deep into the core of a planet. This scene only involves six actors, relies primarily on hand to hand combat, and yet is as thrilling as any large scene involving spaceships and photons and phasers and the like. You don’t have to go big to get big results.

3. Respect your characters: Introducing and establishing the personalities of all the Star Trek crew members is no easy task in a movie that runs only about two hours. It is difficult to make each character stand out given that we have to move the plot forward at a pretty rapid clip.

The characters that the film does take time to give a back story to (Spock and Lt. Uhura, for example) to become much more interesting and engaging than those who seem to just get tossed into the mix with only a few throwaway lines (Bones and Sulu). Even the character of  seems to get a short shrift in the back story department.

4. Don’t feel the need to over-explain. After listening to a podcast interview with the screenwriters of the new Star Trek, it became clear to this Monkey that there was a lot going on in the plot of the film that escaped his notice because he was unfamiliar with the long history of Star Trek. But the fact that the film didn’t slow down at every moment to explain how this tied into 40 years of storytelling was a big plus. Those who knew the back story likely enjoyed the film on a different level than the casual fan. But that’ s OK.

5. There is no expiration (star)date for product placement.

Permission to insert jarring product placements into your futuristic sci fi movie Captain?

Permisson granted.

OK Budweiser, OK Nokia. We get it. There is room in the future for the popular cell phone networks and Amercian beer companies of today. We watch the film and we see the oh-so-subtle way that your products are incorporated into the movie. Like sheep, we immediately associate Nokia and Budweiser with the movie that we liked, and immediately start to buy more Bud and Nokia products.

Mission accomplished.

Here is the trailer for the film.

Despite your Monkey’s objections to commercialization, Star Trek is a good, fun movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously. If you haven’t seen it yet, you should.