You were a sleek black beauty when I picked you up from that slightly run down garage in Brockton that sunny August morning in 2005.

Sure, you had a little mileage on you, but it was far less than what the 1994 Chevy Corsica I was driving at the time had.

And you had an intact paint job, which was more than I could say for my dented and faded Corsica.

Our relationship was troubled at first. I had driven American cars for so long that I had grown accustomed to their low center of gravity, heavy steel frames and sturdy suspension.

When I opened you up to 60 or so on the highway for the first time, you seemed to shake and shimmer a little too much. Immediately I thought that I had been ripped off, that your suspension had been shot, that you had been in an unreported accident, that I would have to take my case all the way to the Supreme Court.

But cooler heads eventually prevailed. The car was fine.

For a few years, you were a gem of a car. Your tan interior stayed pretty clean, the car itself smelled pretty good, and we even got a Sirius Satellite radio working in there for a little while.

But time and age caught up with you after a while. First there was the battery that exploded right after I lost my job at the newspaper.

Then there was that unfortunate incident in the snow where I was the only one stupid enough to try driving into work, and the only one to forget to keep riding second gear in the slippery snow once I got close to the house, and the only one to smack into a nearby Chevy.

I ended up crushing the headlight housing on your front passenger side, but our lightweight fiberglass front end did no damage to the heavier Chevy.

Then there was the jackass who grabbed and twisted your antenna into a permanently bent shape one night, for no reason other than that fucking with people’s cars has to be expected in the city.

And the time when we tried to take you up to Maine one dark Friday night, only to have the front fiberglass frame pretty much fall off the car once we got on Route 93.

A couple of zipties got us back home to Somerville, but not much further.

And finally, there was the infamous water pump incident. The pump died on the way to work, sending you into instant overheat mode. Together we just got to the garage before your engine blew.

That day, the mechanics fixed you up for a ton of money, but on our way out of the garage (one of the muggiest days of all time) the pump fell right back off again and it was another mad scramble to get back to the garage with the needle pinned on “hot as fuck”.

I then had to run through a torrential summer downpour to catch the train back home.

But even though we had our ups and downs, you were a good, solid car.

You kept me safe on the roads. You were there to help me take my dog home for the first time, to help my bring three shrieking puppies from Medford to Walpole when the shit hit the fan at my apartment.

And most of all, you hung tough during the 110-degree day when the two dogs and I drove back from the Cape last summer.

A breakdown in that kind of searing heat with two dogs in tow would have been a challenge to say the least. The words “panic-inducing” and “full on freakout” also come to mind.

But I have a new Nissan now.

A 2010 Versa with the same black exterior. It drives like you and feels like you. It’s almost like you got a facelift and a mileage reduction.

But there’s no room in my life for two cars.

The tow truck came on Friday while I was at work to pick you up and send you on your way.

The next stop for you (sadly) is most likely the scrap heap. You need new brakes and your odometer doesn’t work and changing out your directional light is harder than most surgical procedures.

You are gone, but you are not forgotten.

Creative Commons photo by Kate Cooper

Sure, our old friend the sea cucumber might not look like much at first blush (see above photo for evidence of its underwhelming film presence), but it has been the evolutionary jumping off point for a number of aquatic-based vegetables and fruits that you might not know about.

Here are some of the sea cucumbers lesser-known relatives:

• Tributary Turnips
• River Radishes
• Pond Peppers
• Bay Beets
• Great Lakes Grapes
• Estuary Eggplants
• Lagoon Legumes
• Channel Carrots
• Cove Cloves
• Moat Oats
• Puddle Peas
• Ocean Onions
• Sea Beans
• Tide Pool Thyme

If you see any of these delicious underwater delicacies, dig in. Nearly all of them are safe for human consumption, and those that aren’t will kill you so quickly that you’ll never know what hit you. Happy harvesting!

Creative Commons photo by Kate Cooper

Sure, our old friend the sea cucumber might not look like much at first blush (see above photo for evidence of its underwhelming film presence), but it has been the evolutionary jumping off point for a number of aquatic-based vegetables and fruits that you might not know about.

Here are some of the sea cucumbers lesser-known relatives:

• Tributary Turnips
• River Radishes
• Pond Peppers
• Bay Beets
• Great Lakes Grapes
• Estuary Eggplants
• Lagoon Legumes
• Channel Carrots
• Cove Cloves
• Moat Oats
• Puddle Peas
• Ocean Onions
• Sea Beans
• Tide Pool Thyme

If you see any of these delicious underwater delicacies, dig in. Nearly all of them are safe for human consumption, and those that aren’t will kill you so quickly that you’ll never know what hit you. Happy harvesting!

Instead, he will be marketing a new set of “In Case of Emergency” stickers to your less traditional pet owner and collecting enthusiast.

Let’s face it, the current pet emergency sticker (shown above) is hopelessly and some might say laughably out of touch with today’s progressive pet owner.

Not every John Q. Pet Owner  has your standard dog, cat or bird.

And thus these ho-hum stickers may may leave out some pets that are now finding their way into people’s homes and are just as worthy of being rescued.

The following are the categories your Monkey is planning to add to his new “standard” pet emergency sticker.

In Case of Emergency, Please Save My:

• Cats
• Dogs
• Rabbits
• Birds
• Ferrets
• Lizards
• Telepathic Octopus
• African Killer Bees
• South American Homicidal Hedgehogs
• Electric Eels
• Solar Power Salamanders
• Coal-Fired Cuttlefish
• Dodo Birds
• Passenger Pigeons
• Sasquatch Babies
• Human-Ape Hybrids
• Human-Alien-Hybrids
• Human-Alien-Ape Tribrids
• Gold-Hoarding Dragon

Picking out the right audiobook is a bit of risky business. You try your best to find something that will be interesting, challenging and engaging, and that will be worth your time for the 8-20 or so hours that you are going to be wrapped up with the author and the narrator.

That being said, the following books are among the best that your humble monkey listened to this year.

“The Tiger: A True Story of Vengeance and Survival” by John Valliant

Your Monkey would normally not be interested in a story about the hunt for a deadly tiger (really? tigers? in this day and age?), but Valliant does an amazing job of capturing the remoteness of far eastern Russia, the deadly power of the Siberian Tiger, the desperate economic conditions of the Russians who live there, and how all three elements — land, tiger and man — interact with each other. It is a mesmerizing story and a perfect choice for the winter. You won’t be able to crunch through the snow without wondering if there’s a tiger somewhere in the shadows waiting to pounce.

“Columbine ” by Dave Cullen

A meticulously detailed account of what is perhaps the country’s most famous school shooting to date, Cullen does an excellent job of separating fact from fiction, dispelling myths, and pointing out the errors in judgement made by police officers both before and after the murders took place. We also get an uncomfortably close look into the minds of the two Columbine killers via detailed excerpts from their journals. It is a dark, sad and frustrating read, but worth it in the long run. You’ll understand what motivated the killers (it may not be what you think) and have a new empathy for the victims and their families.

“The Man in the Rockefeller Suit: The Astonishing Rise and Spectacular Fall of a Serial Imposter” by Mark Seal

Seal does an amazing job of charting the life and lies of most famous con-man/chameleon to be exposed in recent years. Rockefeller made his name by posing as a descendent of the famously rich Rockefeller family,  but was actually a German immigrant who lied his way to the top of high society several times over. Rockefeller, who gained national attention by  kidnapping his daughter “Snooks” during a supervised visit in Boston,  presents a maddening case of a man whose seemingly sole purpose on earth is to pretend to be someone  he is not.  What makes Seal’s book so unusual is that he merely presents the facts of Rockefeller’s case to us. He does not try to psychoanalyze Rockerfeller, or explain away his actions.

“The Murder of the Century: The Gilded Age Crime That Scandalized a City and Sparked the Tabloid Wars” by Paul Collins

It is just before the turn of the 20th century in New York City, and the headless torso of a man neatly wrapped in oil cloth is pulled out of the East River one sultry summer day by a group of swimming boys. The discovery leads to a riveting murder investigation, a sensational court trial, and a no holds barred media circus. Collins does an excellent job of presenting the facts and testimony of the case while concurrently charting the competition between New York’s two leading tabloid newspapers to provide the most complete coverage of the case. For anyone who thinks that the media is ruthless and sensationalistic now…you have another thing coming.

“A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the World’s Largest Social Experiment Reveals About Human Desire” by Ogi Ogas and Sai Gadda

After America Online inadvertently leaked a Titanic-sized boatload of information about how people search for information on the web (and by information we mean pornography), a group of scientists used the  data to draw some interesting conclusions about what turns men and women on. The result is a fascinating look into gender roles, human desire, and how evolution plays a role in who we look for in a mate. You will not want to miss.

Therefore, in order to relieve his mind of the urge to share this information, your Monkey posts them here in the safety and anonymity of this widely unread blog.

The Grumpiest Monkey….

• Would gladly accept a crippling meth habit if it could get this work day to go by faster
• Is thinking about getting on the organ donor transplant list now (pre-need), so he’ll have a jump on the competition if any part of his body starts to go
• Is likely to scream “don’t you eyeball fuck me” at the next person who glances too long at him in the company garage
• Is going to rock down to Electric Avenue, and if all goes well, then take it higher
• Built this city on rock and roll, along with steel, concrete, copper piping, asphalt and a top-notch urban planning commission
• Doesn’t want to wait for our lives to be over
• Just bought new screenwriting software but sadly finds his mind bereft of good ideas
• Takes it personally when you change lanes without using your blinker
• With all apologize to laughter, is pretty sure that medicine is the best medicine
• Is wondering if anyone knows how long it takes for a balloon filled with heroin to pass through your system
• Is thinking it might have been smarter to tie a tighter balloon knot
• Is feeling incredibly warm and incredibly sleepy
• SSsssssssssskghnnhdhahlglsawhef

Since his addled brain needs constant stimulation, he is always seeking out new bands to listen to.

He currently subscribes to two different Song of the Day podcasts (Thank you very much KEXP and 89.3 the Current), and the following videos represent some of the best free songs that he has heard this year.

If not for these radio stations and artists giving away something for nothing, your Monkey may never have discovered these songs.

As an added bonus, you probably won’t find many of these on most critics’ top 10 lists, so perhaps you will find something here that you might have otherwise missed.

Editor’s note: Please, dear friends, do not think that all the free songs that come your Monkey’s way are as good as these gems. Your Monkey has had to kiss a LOT of frogs to find these princes and princesses. 

1. Austra “The Beat and the Pulse”

This Toronto-basedgroup makes some great atmospheric music that is part dance, part industrial gothic and part electropop.

This video is a little on the explicit side, so if you are offended by blurred nudity and webbed appendages you may want to proceed with caution. This is the “clean” version, too. For purists, the explicit version can be found with a pretty quick web search. That version apparently does not lend itself to embedding on blogs written by Monkeys.

Before you think your Monkey is just a typical male having a knee jerk reaction to a little female skin, you should know he fell in love with the audio version of this song long before he ever saw the video.

2. Fistful of Mercy “Fistful of Mercy”

This indie pop supergroup of sorts features Dhani Harrison (son of George), Ben Harper and Joseph Arthur.  This song features great chord progressions and wonderful harmonies, and this video does an awesome job of bringing together all the parts to make a whole.

3. Polica “Wandering Star”

This song is immediately striking, and this live radio performance is utterly unforgettable. Do not hate the voice altering vocoder, my friends, it can be put to good use. And for god sakes, let’s talk about the double drums for a second. They give you the chills. At least they should give you the chills. If they don’t, you may be a Blade Runner-esque replicant unaware of your own wretched artificial existance.

4. John Grant “Marz”

This song proves that lyrics don’t mean all that much when there is emotion and melody behind them. A melancholy piano backdrop accompanies a series of apparently nonsensical words and the effect is sad and bittersweet.  Here is a cool enhanced performance from the Later with Jools Holland show.

5. PJ Harvey “The Last Living Rose”

Ok, so PJ Harvey might be a little more of a household name than some of the others on this list, and her album “Let England Shake” is certainly well represented on top 10 lists this year. But this song is just too damn good to leave off the list, and your Monkey may never have fallen in love with it if he hadn’t gotten it as a free download.

His humble rise from jungle ape to chimpanzee copywriter is truly the kind of Horatio Alger story that book publishers are clamoring for these days.

Plus, his struggles with depression and adult onset awkward body syndrome will surely generate some good buzz on the talk show circuit. Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil are you listening?

Of course, your Monkey cannot begin to put pen to paper until he has settled on a suitable title for his adventures.

The following are a few of the book titles that are now under consideration.

• Mail Order Monkey
• Monkey by Mail
• From Chimpanzee to Chippendale Dancer: How One Monkey Defied the Odds and Subverted Traditional Male Sterotypes
• I’m Your Private Primate
• How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bananas

Other possible titles (more geared toward the self-help market)

• Life is a Known Depressant
• Things Couldn’t Get Any More Awkwarder
• Who Shit in My Sandwich?
• Each Day is Better Than the Next

Yet more titles (these one geared towards the narrow market of my neighborhood)

• Things That I’ve Stolen From Your Yard
• I’m Sorry Bob, But it’s Time the World Knows You’re Homosexual
• Cul-de-Sac Confessions– How One Suburban Monkey Seduced An Entire Neighborhood with Wit, Charm and Ether Rags

And who could forget that Bluebird of Happiness?

But speaking as he sometimes does for the rest of the animal kingdom, your Monkey would be remiss if he did not share his list of lesser recognized (but no less important) cousins of the aforementioned bluebird.

• The Bear of Bad News
• The Aardvark of Anti-Social Behavior
• The Beaver of Bottomless Self Pity
• The Cow of Catastrophic Thinking
• The Egret of Regrets
• The Rabbit of Repetitive Motion Disorders
• The Ferret of Fetishism
• The Llama of Lustful Intentions
• The Goat of Gender Confusion
• The Treefrog of Terminal Diseases
• The Duck of Depression

Be on the lookout for these creatures! They are real and chances are one or more of them are lurking in your closet, bathroom or kitchen pantry right now.

• Wake up uncomfortable and stiff in sleeping bag on the floor. Wonder again why floor seems better option at night than bed
• Suffer immediate harassment from dogs looking for food/walks/adventures outside
• Turn on television hoping to find English Premier League game soccer game on ESPN, only to be bitterly disappointed to find that it’s Trout Fishing Hour instead
• Watch an hour’s worth of trout fishing
• Finally give in to relentless demands of dictatorial dogs and take them to the dog park and fitness trail
• Return home only to head right back out again to get dog weighed at vet’s office. Have to negotiate through foot and reindeer traffic at town’s annual Santa Claus parade
• Rake outside for an hour while listening to concluding chapters of “Confederacy of Dunces” audiobook, thus concluding a deep immersion in the book’s unique language, worldview and characters
• Develop a sudden and intense interest in Dunces’ author John Kennedy Toole, who committed suicide decades before book’s actual release and success
• Feel a strange kinship with the alienated and paranoid Toole, who suffered literary rejections personally and underwent a rapid physical and mental decline prior to taking his life
• Spend a few scattered hours of trying and failing to complete a concrete task (buying a new car, finding a new job, charting a new song on guitar) before finally giving up
• Spend the rest of the evening deeply and thoughtfully contemplating inability to complete concrete tasks
• Decide once again to pass on the bed and fall asleep in sleeping bag on the floor